On Haircuts and Presenting “Too Conservative”: Why I Don’t Have the Style I Wanted
November 12, 2015If you’ve been paying attention to my social media for the past few weeks, you probably know that I look a lot different now.
For most of my modeling career I’ve had long hair. It was about shoulder length when I started posing nude, and I’ve only trimmed it since - until recently.
My long hair was a source of pride and joy to me. Despite the constant tangles and the half hour struggles to brush it into something attractive, I loved it. It became a vital part of me and how I presented myself to the world. Through my long hair I became a vixen, a maiden, alternately and concurrently desirable and innocent. I wore my hair as if it were a mask, and I built my persona around it. As my hair grew, so did I.
The past five years have been some of the best and worst of my life. My modeling career has shaped me in ways I never imagined it could. I became a nude model before I truly became a woman, and coming of age within this industry was both brutal and empowering. My body became something vitally important to me as it merged from a source of confusion and shame to one of power. In my blog post about my choice to grow my body hair I talked about the ways in which I reclaim my body through choosing what I do with it.
So when I saw the opportunity to take a hair modeling gig with a prominent salon in San Francisco, I jumped.
The agreement was that they’d cut and color my hair for their campaign, then change it to anything I wanted. For years, I’ve had my mind set on someday getting a haircut to match a photo I’ve kept on my phone. The model has bright pink and orange hair in an asymmetrical cut, and I love it.
This style is why I accepted the low pay offered. Because once we were done, I’d finally have the hair I’d been dreaming of for years. As you may have noticed, that is not the hair I currently have. We’ll get there, I promise.
This was my first commercial shoot. I was excited, and I was nervous. I truly don’t know if they know I am primarily a nude model. I sent a link to my portfolio, but I also sent a few more tame images attached to my application, and they may have only looked at those.
The gig required me to come in to the studio a couple times, and I took pains to dress and behave more conservatively than my norm. I wore a turtleneck, I was quiet, I didn’t cuss or make bad jokes when the opportunities presented themselves.
In short, I behaved extremely professionally. Perhaps to the point of seeming stilted or stuffy. I just wanted to fit into a shooting environment unlike any I’d been involved in before.
It didn’t matter. I didn’t fit in. Probably my own fault - I was too focused on matching who I thought I was expected to be that I didn’t really connect with anyone there.
I definitely didn’t connect with my stylist. I hated everything she did for the campaign, but I had hope that once we got down to my final style, just for me, it would go well.
Go well it did not.
Imagine my surprise when I showed her the photo of the style I wanted and she said no. I was too conservative for that style, she insisted.
Me. Conservative.
I didn’t know what to do, what to say. To my shame, I said nothing. I let her do what she wanted. And this haircut is… ok. Honestly, I’m making the best of it, but I don’t love it. It wasn’t worth my time, my energy, or even the gas I spent for these shoots.
It definitely wasn’t worth all the bleach they put in my hair, multiple times, to create different looks for the campaign. My hair is fried.
I feel cheated. By the stylist who wouldn’t listen to me, but also by myself. I cheated myself by trying to be someone I wasn’t, and I cheated myself by not putting my foot down and insisting on the style I wanted.
Now my beautiful long hair is gone, and I’m just not happy with what I have in its place. My hair needed to go for a while, but I wish I’d done it in a way I could feel good about.
Hopefully, as it grows back in, I’ll find ways to style it that feel more me. Right now, it feels a little too…. conservative.
Imagine that.
About the Author
Eleanor is an accomplished traveling nude model and has been pursuing her art since 2010. Her work has been published in a variety of magazines, books, and galleries, including a special event at the Louvre. To see more of Eleanor’s work you can visit her website.